...And apparently he is stalking me

Alright, so I was at the bar with my friend Stacy (name changed, of course) and I had just recently gotten my hair cut--really short. Alot of people who know me didn't even recognize me when they saw me.


So Bob 5 is sitting across the bar from us, which surprised me because I thought he got kicked out and asked not to come back, and he's looking at me like he's trying not to look at me; like me might know me or something, ya know?


Finally, I send him a text, just to wave and say hi. So he comes over and sits by us. Uninvited. He chats me up most of the night and I could tell he actually thought he was gonna get some from me that night. Poor thing.


Stacy and I leave. He proceeds to call me--every day, sometimes more than once a day, since our encounter (which, at this point, was about 3 weeks ago now). He still wants to see me, to get to know me, to go do something with the kids (he has an 11 year old child from a previous relationship--he probably abandoned that kid's mom, too) and he just really think's I'm a super gal.

So I'm beginning to suspect he is either stupider than the average guy, or he's got a vagina hidden somewhere.

Really.

Isn't repeated calling despite no answer (ever) and saying that someone's really great even though you don't know shit about the person kind of girlish behavior?

If I'm gonna date someone who acts like a woman, you'd better believe I'm gonna get one that's got a nice set of tits and a glorious ass. I don't put up with that kind of behavior without anything in return.

I have a FIFTH fucking Bob!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a fifth Bob.

Kidding?

No.

I could not make this shit up.

He called me today. I had completely forgotten about him.

Why?

Because he is an absolute bag of douche. Not the nice clean bag you begin with. The nasty, left-over, Paris Hilton-disease-infested bag of douche you get when you're done.

Here's our background (and why he has my phone number in the first place):

We met at my local hangout bar, had too many drinks while talking to eachother, and ended up going home together. I thought he had impregnated me, he dodged me for a few weeks, then mysteriously called me (at that time I knew I wasn't pregnant, but decided to play it out for a while since he was being a complete dickhead about it); then he vanished into the mist again, only to call me a few weeks later to see how I was doing.

Um, fine, I guess, asshat.

This all played out in, like, May.

Fast forward to today.

I get a local call on my way home from work and I answer it cause sometimes people call me from their work phones or whatever.

"Hey, it's Bob Whatever-the-hell-my-last-name-is. How are you?"

I was better not remembering you existed, yo.

So he proceeds to tell me about how nice he thinks I am and how we should get together and go do something nice, "start over" or some bullshit.

Absolutely. As soon as Lindsay Lohan puts down the crack pipe.

Whatever would make a guy think (giving them alot of credit here....going for a stretch) that after he tried to ditch me when I mentioned I thought I was pregnant by him I would want anything to do with him besides slicing off his pecker is beyond me.

That wasn't exactly a stellar showcase of your trustworthiness, hombre.

Hence my forgetting about his pathetic existance.

Oh come on now guys

You've got to have a better one up your sleeves than this, guys. Did anyone REALLY think they could fool me?? Ha! Go back to sleep and dream your delusional dreams, sweet silly men.

Let me lay this out for ya:

I know about 4 guys who insist on telling me they are going to call, telling me they are gonna come over, telling me we should hang out again sometime soon; yet in their quest to prove to themselves that they are just too cool to be pinned down by social obligations, they usually end up not calling/coming over at all (at least just not when they initially say they're going to).

Which only pisses me off mildly and for, like, 2 seconds cause if you're gonna blow me off and treat me like crap I'd at least like to be your girlfriend so that you have to buy me nice gifts to make up for blowing me off and treating me like crap.

These guys have such inflated egos that they actually think that I want something more with them than getting laid.

HA!!!

One of them used to be a really close friend of mine and we came THISCLOSE to sleeping together, but we never got around to it because he was busy pretending that he wasn't dating this one girl and whatever. As previously stated, I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.

Another one is someone I've known since high school, we happen to work next door to eachother, now he always tells me he wants to hang out but he never calls/comes over when he says he is going to. Whatevs. It's too early to tell where that one would have gone. No big loss on my end.

As I mentioned earlier, this kind of shit doesn't bother me that much--it's just that I could be getting laid by someone else rather than sitting here at home drinking a glass (or two or a bottle) by myself.

Don't be fooled. I DO end up getting laid if I so feel the desire. But I work so damn much so that after a bottle of wine I'm feeling more sleepy than horny.

And you wanna know the funniest part of this ridiculous male species behavior?

These guys actually think that THEY ARE PLAYING ME!!!!!!

OMG I think I just pissed my pants laughing.

Anyway, yeah, no one is fooling me. I realize that guys who like being single have this primal urge to prove to every woman they come in contact with that they are unattainable and un-pin-down-able, but really, do you think that I want to be pinned down with your petty ass anyway?

I really just wanted to suck you off, honey.

Guess YOU missed out.

Better luck next time.

Seriously, don't lies take more effort?

May I preface this post with a disclaimer?

Too bad, I'm going to.

I don't want to have a serious relationship any time soon. EVER, I would be so bold to say.

I am not any other grown up's moral compass. It's been suggested that I barely have one of my own when it comes to men.

It is not my job to tell you that what you are about to do with me is JUST WRONG. The guys that I sleep with know that I am choosing to just sleep with them. Nothing more.

I am not asking them to marry me, date me, or even call me.

Hell, half of the time I don't remember their names by the time we get back to my house!

That being said....

Now I'm a pretty smart cookie, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty good at picking up on who's got a "girlfriend" or a "friend" or a wife, or whatever.

**I put "girlfriend" and "friend" in quotes because the definitions of those words are subjective. What some guys would call a "friend" could easily be classified as a "girlfriend" by many others.**

Anyway, I can usually tell about 5 minutes into conversation if someone's emotionally unavailable. Please keep in mind that I am particularly in the market for emotionally unavailable. It works for me.

So WHY THE LIVING FUCK do guys really think they need to keep trying (that's right boys, I said trying. You are not doing such a hot job here) to cover up their "status"??

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

Here are some of the things I've heard/expereinced:

Kent insists on telling me he "hangs out with different people" but doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet the only time he calls me is once every couple of months--we fuck, talk about superficial crap, I leave (which is perfect for me, if anyone's taking notes). He barely even acknowledges me when we're in a sober, public, no "girlfriend" situation. Perfect. He knows this is all I want, so why the secrecy about who he's dating? I think it's actually polite of me to ask about how his girlfriend is doing.

Daniel likes to call his "girlfriend" (who goes on vacations to Vegas with him and whom he's admitted he's dated long enough to warrant a marrige proposal) a "friend" that he talks to on the weekends when she's in town from her job.
He actually got in trouble because of an innocent text I sent him on a weekend, which is apparently "off-limits" time, which I would have known about if he had been upfront with me. As of late though, he's been more honest about it.

I have had 2, count 'em, 2 men act like there's not a care in the world--except for the fact that they were scheduled to get married within, oh, 3 weeks of our first "encounter"!!!!

One even went so far as to tell me that he didn't HAVE a girlfriend (but I knew he did) and I found out from our mutual friend last week that he was getting married on Saturday!! He had JUST been at my house 2 days prior to that trying to get laid!!!!!

--That one kills me most. Seriously, if I am sleeping with you with full knowledge of your girlfriend, do you REALLY think that the fact that you're getting married is going to change anything??

Honey, please. I PITY your soon-to-be-wife. You obviously don't respect her. You'll continue sleeping with me after you marry her. Really.

Also, alot of guys feel the need to give me the old, "I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time" line.

Well, DUH. Cheating on your wife usually doesn't indicate happiness, ya think? Not my job to fix that one, dear.

Of course, I suppose that's to be expected. These guys lie to their "girlfriends" and wives, so why wouldn't they lie to me?

It IS incredibly amusing, though.

More creepies

So there is this dude that comes into work often, especially on weekends. I didn't think he was weird at first (do I ever??) but then he started dropping hints that he might not be "on the level".

He would sit and try to talk to me at the drive through window--for, like, EVER. Isn't the point of the DT to be, um, quick??

Ok, that's alright though, cause he comes in late, when we're really not that busy.

So then he starts coming into the store really close to closing time--and I am REALLY busy. Like, I don't stop moving for like the last 2 hours of work. I have time to make plesant, polite conversation, but I DO NOT have time to "chat". I have even turned away my closest friends becuase I've got stuff I gotta do!!!

I had to kick him out last night because I needed to do money stuff and we got everything done early last night (props to mid-shift) so as soon as I did the money stuff we could go; doing the money stuff was of utmost importance. He had already been talking my co-worker's ear off for about a half hour BEFORE I told him I had to lock up, so I didn't feel THAT bad.

I see him sitting at a table outside while we close up. When I'm locking the door, he's gone, but I see a car, headlights glaring into my eyes, in the parking lot across the street.

Weird.

Then it drives away. It's HIM. My co-worker even notices it.

This guy waited for us to lock up in a parking lot across the street.

I worked with a man last night. I was in NO danger. There are police officers in and out of my store constantly. And this dude is old and would probably be of no help at all when/if I DO get attacked outside of my job and there happen to be no police there.

For real.

Does anyone else find that a little, um, CREEPY???

Aaaaahhhh look at all the creepy people...

(BTW, if anyone actually GETS that title {hint-it's a song reference} they get a BIG GOLD STAR!)

I come in contact with ALOT of really weird people in my line of work. There's this one, and he comes in every single morning and then later in the afternoon. I would guess him to be around my mom's age (early 50s). Every single time he comes in, he says to me "Let me see that gorgeous smile" or something like that.

At first, I wasn't weirded out. I spent 6 years in braces--I have a beautiful smile.

Then he asked for my phone number.

I told him I wasn't single, he made some kind of stammering, embarrassed remark about how lucky any guy was to be with me, blah, blah, blah.

Enter the creeps. Seriously. Ick.

So he keeps this up. Every single time he sees me. He says something about my smile (which you all know makes you smile anyway, and then you're standing there smiling and beet-red, just praying for death or pestilence or SOMETHING) and then he continues to inquire about how I've been and whatnot; all the while I am resisting the urge to poke myself in the eardrums with a fork, lest I hear any more ramblings from a man who wishes he had even a snowballs chance in hell.

It DOES get old after awhile. Especially since HE doesn't have a life, so he doesn't have much to talk about expect how nice my smile is.

Really, though. It's great to get compliments and all that jazz, but when I've made it clear that I'm NOT single (even though I AM), I really don't want any more compliments.

I've noticed your attempt to hit on me, it has failed, abort mission.

Please.