All of my female friends (with the exception of, like, 2) are hopelessly addicted to being in a relationship with a man.
No matter how one sided it is.
No matter how many times the guy obviously uses her for a booty-call.
No matter how obvious it is that the guy has a giant, gaping vajayjay.
No matter how many of her calls he ignores.
No matter how long she goes without actually SPEAKING to him, not just texing him.
No matter how married he is.
No matter how married SHE is (oh, but wait, she's filing for divorce....)
This is getting exasperating.
Seriously, one of my dearest friends can't list more than 2 things that she likes about this guy that she keeps breaking it off with. But no sooner than she tells me that she told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore, she's telling me about how she talked to him a little bit ago--and he acted exactly the way that prompted her to break it off with him in the first place.
Hint, hint, my friend.
I just don't see what would draw you back to a guy who gets on your last frickin' nerve every time you talk to him--except that you are desperately afraid of being alone. Which is kinda stupid, because this friend of mine is the nicest girl, she's hot as hell, lots of fun to hang out with, smart as a whip (99% of the time lol) and she has TONS of men falling all over her--and she's afraid to explore her options!!! I try to keep convincing her to just go for it; one little date won't hurt. You can usually judge from the first date--and I am always available for rescuing a friend from a bad date.
But I digress...
Being single is one of the most liberating, wonderful, inspiring, confidence-building things ever. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am a self-proclaimed bachelorette. Always will be.
So, to all my friends who are hot-to-trot, totally awesome people who deserve the BEST from their relationships...
GET SOME HELP.
Being in half-assed relationships where you THINK you have the control for the rest of your life is going to end up making you incredibly depressed and probably self-loathing. Hell, you may even end up getting beat the fuck up by your dude. This is how things like that start. I don't want to watch you go through that. It's happened to a relationship addicted friend of mine before and it's not pretty.
Don't settle. You are awesome and you deserve a dude who believes that as much as I do.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
...And apparently he is stalking me
Alright, so I was at the bar with my friend Stacy (name changed, of course) and I had just recently gotten my hair cut--really short. Alot of people who know me didn't even recognize me when they saw me.
So Bob 5 is sitting across the bar from us, which surprised me because I thought he got kicked out and asked not to come back, and he's looking at me like he's trying not to look at me; like me might know me or something, ya know?
Finally, I send him a text, just to wave and say hi. So he comes over and sits by us. Uninvited. He chats me up most of the night and I could tell he actually thought he was gonna get some from me that night. Poor thing.
Stacy and I leave. He proceeds to call me--every day, sometimes more than once a day, since our encounter (which, at this point, was about 3 weeks ago now). He still wants to see me, to get to know me, to go do something with the kids (he has an 11 year old child from a previous relationship--he probably abandoned that kid's mom, too) and he just really think's I'm a super gal.
So I'm beginning to suspect he is either stupider than the average guy, or he's got a vagina hidden somewhere.
Really.
Isn't repeated calling despite no answer (ever) and saying that someone's really great even though you don't know shit about the person kind of girlish behavior?
If I'm gonna date someone who acts like a woman, you'd better believe I'm gonna get one that's got a nice set of tits and a glorious ass. I don't put up with that kind of behavior without anything in return.
So Bob 5 is sitting across the bar from us, which surprised me because I thought he got kicked out and asked not to come back, and he's looking at me like he's trying not to look at me; like me might know me or something, ya know?
Finally, I send him a text, just to wave and say hi. So he comes over and sits by us. Uninvited. He chats me up most of the night and I could tell he actually thought he was gonna get some from me that night. Poor thing.
Stacy and I leave. He proceeds to call me--every day, sometimes more than once a day, since our encounter (which, at this point, was about 3 weeks ago now). He still wants to see me, to get to know me, to go do something with the kids (he has an 11 year old child from a previous relationship--he probably abandoned that kid's mom, too) and he just really think's I'm a super gal.
So I'm beginning to suspect he is either stupider than the average guy, or he's got a vagina hidden somewhere.
Really.
Isn't repeated calling despite no answer (ever) and saying that someone's really great even though you don't know shit about the person kind of girlish behavior?
If I'm gonna date someone who acts like a woman, you'd better believe I'm gonna get one that's got a nice set of tits and a glorious ass. I don't put up with that kind of behavior without anything in return.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I have a FIFTH fucking Bob!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a fifth Bob.
Kidding?
No.
I could not make this shit up.
He called me today. I had completely forgotten about him.
Why?
Because he is an absolute bag of douche. Not the nice clean bag you begin with. The nasty, left-over, Paris Hilton-disease-infested bag of douche you get when you're done.
Here's our background (and why he has my phone number in the first place):
We met at my local hangout bar, had too many drinks while talking to eachother, and ended up going home together. I thought he had impregnated me, he dodged me for a few weeks, then mysteriously called me (at that time I knew I wasn't pregnant, but decided to play it out for a while since he was being a complete dickhead about it); then he vanished into the mist again, only to call me a few weeks later to see how I was doing.
Um, fine, I guess, asshat.
This all played out in, like, May.
Fast forward to today.
I get a local call on my way home from work and I answer it cause sometimes people call me from their work phones or whatever.
"Hey, it's Bob Whatever-the-hell-my-last-name-is. How are you?"
I was better not remembering you existed, yo.
So he proceeds to tell me about how nice he thinks I am and how we should get together and go do something nice, "start over" or some bullshit.
Absolutely. As soon as Lindsay Lohan puts down the crack pipe.
Whatever would make a guy think (giving them alot of credit here....going for a stretch) that after he tried to ditch me when I mentioned I thought I was pregnant by him I would want anything to do with him besides slicing off his pecker is beyond me.
That wasn't exactly a stellar showcase of your trustworthiness, hombre.
Hence my forgetting about his pathetic existance.
Kidding?
No.
I could not make this shit up.
He called me today. I had completely forgotten about him.
Why?
Because he is an absolute bag of douche. Not the nice clean bag you begin with. The nasty, left-over, Paris Hilton-disease-infested bag of douche you get when you're done.
Here's our background (and why he has my phone number in the first place):
We met at my local hangout bar, had too many drinks while talking to eachother, and ended up going home together. I thought he had impregnated me, he dodged me for a few weeks, then mysteriously called me (at that time I knew I wasn't pregnant, but decided to play it out for a while since he was being a complete dickhead about it); then he vanished into the mist again, only to call me a few weeks later to see how I was doing.
Um, fine, I guess, asshat.
This all played out in, like, May.
Fast forward to today.
I get a local call on my way home from work and I answer it cause sometimes people call me from their work phones or whatever.
"Hey, it's Bob Whatever-the-hell-my-last-name-is. How are you?"
I was better not remembering you existed, yo.
So he proceeds to tell me about how nice he thinks I am and how we should get together and go do something nice, "start over" or some bullshit.
Absolutely. As soon as Lindsay Lohan puts down the crack pipe.
Whatever would make a guy think (giving them alot of credit here....going for a stretch) that after he tried to ditch me when I mentioned I thought I was pregnant by him I would want anything to do with him besides slicing off his pecker is beyond me.
That wasn't exactly a stellar showcase of your trustworthiness, hombre.
Hence my forgetting about his pathetic existance.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
a guy named stupid
This is about a guy we'll just call stupid. I tell this story all the time and I've actually had people tell me I should do a stand-up routine based on this story. Here we go.....
"This guy named stupid is so hillbilly.........
His mother doesn't know who his father is.
In fact, she doesn't know who his brother's father is, either.
Neither he nor his brother got any farther than junior year of high school.
His whole immediate AND extended family lives in trailors.
These trailors don't have air conditioning.
His mother's trailor is FULL of Dale Earnhardt (I don't care if I spelled that right) crap. I'm talking mugs, posters, die-cast cars, trading cards, twinkie boxes, etc.
Once, when stupid and I were visiting his parents, his cousin and her infant were there, too. His mother and her FIFTH (yes, I said FIFTH) husband proceeded to light up a bowl of an unmentionable illegal herb WHILE THE BABY WAS NAPPING IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM!
Did I mention that stupid's mother is on husband #5?
He and his brother have been in and out of jail since they were 16. They're now 30 and 28, respectively.
His brother got sent to his last stint in jail for robbing the grocery store their mom worked at at gunpoint for money for his meth habit.
Stupid's 17 year old cousin makes meth in the trailor that she shares with her "boyfriend" and their child.
His idea of fun is going carp fishing in retention ponds in apartment complexes while drinking beer, namely Budweiser.
Stupid has never had a job more serious than shift supervisor at KFC. And let's not forget that he's now 30.
Not a single person in the family has a career or anything even resembling a career. Hell, hardly any of them have anything resembling a JOB.
Stupid doesn't have a valid driver's license.
Neither does his brother.
His mom MIGHT.
Does that stop anyone from driving?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
His mom's trailor isn't in a trailor park; it's in a cluster of about 10 trailors that are just randomly thrown on the side of a road in southern (insert name of state we both happen to live in).
His mom doesn't have a phone, so she gives out the number of the woman living in the crappy trailor next to HER crappy trailor and that neighbor just yells out the kitchen window to let her know she has a phone call.
Last time I was at his mom's crappy trailor, all she had in the fridge was Budweiser, bologna, and a loaf of bread.
No one in the family has ever left the state--for anything.
EVERYONE in the family chain smokes like it's going out of style. While they're drinking their nasty beer. While they're fishing.
So now that you've got a picture of this family in your head, I have one more tidbit of hilljack-ness for you (in case you were doubting their dedication to being hilljacks):
His mom is only about 46 or 47. She is not old by any means. There is no reason for this. She has no intention of fixing this. She makes to attempt to hide this. Are you ready?
His mom has no front teeth.
"This guy named stupid is so hillbilly.........
His mother doesn't know who his father is.
In fact, she doesn't know who his brother's father is, either.
Neither he nor his brother got any farther than junior year of high school.
His whole immediate AND extended family lives in trailors.
These trailors don't have air conditioning.
His mother's trailor is FULL of Dale Earnhardt (I don't care if I spelled that right) crap. I'm talking mugs, posters, die-cast cars, trading cards, twinkie boxes, etc.
Once, when stupid and I were visiting his parents, his cousin and her infant were there, too. His mother and her FIFTH (yes, I said FIFTH) husband proceeded to light up a bowl of an unmentionable illegal herb WHILE THE BABY WAS NAPPING IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM!
Did I mention that stupid's mother is on husband #5?
He and his brother have been in and out of jail since they were 16. They're now 30 and 28, respectively.
His brother got sent to his last stint in jail for robbing the grocery store their mom worked at at gunpoint for money for his meth habit.
Stupid's 17 year old cousin makes meth in the trailor that she shares with her "boyfriend" and their child.
His idea of fun is going carp fishing in retention ponds in apartment complexes while drinking beer, namely Budweiser.
Stupid has never had a job more serious than shift supervisor at KFC. And let's not forget that he's now 30.
Not a single person in the family has a career or anything even resembling a career. Hell, hardly any of them have anything resembling a JOB.
Stupid doesn't have a valid driver's license.
Neither does his brother.
His mom MIGHT.
Does that stop anyone from driving?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
His mom's trailor isn't in a trailor park; it's in a cluster of about 10 trailors that are just randomly thrown on the side of a road in southern (insert name of state we both happen to live in).
His mom doesn't have a phone, so she gives out the number of the woman living in the crappy trailor next to HER crappy trailor and that neighbor just yells out the kitchen window to let her know she has a phone call.
Last time I was at his mom's crappy trailor, all she had in the fridge was Budweiser, bologna, and a loaf of bread.
No one in the family has ever left the state--for anything.
EVERYONE in the family chain smokes like it's going out of style. While they're drinking their nasty beer. While they're fishing.
So now that you've got a picture of this family in your head, I have one more tidbit of hilljack-ness for you (in case you were doubting their dedication to being hilljacks):
His mom is only about 46 or 47. She is not old by any means. There is no reason for this. She has no intention of fixing this. She makes to attempt to hide this. Are you ready?
His mom has no front teeth.
Oh come on now guys
You've got to have a better one up your sleeves than this, guys. Did anyone REALLY think they could fool me?? Ha! Go back to sleep and dream your delusional dreams, sweet silly men.
Let me lay this out for ya:
I know about 4 guys who insist on telling me they are going to call, telling me they are gonna come over, telling me we should hang out again sometime soon; yet in their quest to prove to themselves that they are just too cool to be pinned down by social obligations, they usually end up not calling/coming over at all (at least just not when they initially say they're going to).
Which only pisses me off mildly and for, like, 2 seconds cause if you're gonna blow me off and treat me like crap I'd at least like to be your girlfriend so that you have to buy me nice gifts to make up for blowing me off and treating me like crap.
These guys have such inflated egos that they actually think that I want something more with them than getting laid.
HA!!!
One of them used to be a really close friend of mine and we came THISCLOSE to sleeping together, but we never got around to it because he was busy pretending that he wasn't dating this one girl and whatever. As previously stated, I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.
Another one is someone I've known since high school, we happen to work next door to eachother, now he always tells me he wants to hang out but he never calls/comes over when he says he is going to. Whatevs. It's too early to tell where that one would have gone. No big loss on my end.
As I mentioned earlier, this kind of shit doesn't bother me that much--it's just that I could be getting laid by someone else rather than sitting here at home drinking a glass (or two or a bottle) by myself.
Don't be fooled. I DO end up getting laid if I so feel the desire. But I work so damn much so that after a bottle of wine I'm feeling more sleepy than horny.
And you wanna know the funniest part of this ridiculous male species behavior?
These guys actually think that THEY ARE PLAYING ME!!!!!!
OMG I think I just pissed my pants laughing.
Anyway, yeah, no one is fooling me. I realize that guys who like being single have this primal urge to prove to every woman they come in contact with that they are unattainable and un-pin-down-able, but really, do you think that I want to be pinned down with your petty ass anyway?
I really just wanted to suck you off, honey.
Guess YOU missed out.
Better luck next time.
Let me lay this out for ya:
I know about 4 guys who insist on telling me they are going to call, telling me they are gonna come over, telling me we should hang out again sometime soon; yet in their quest to prove to themselves that they are just too cool to be pinned down by social obligations, they usually end up not calling/coming over at all (at least just not when they initially say they're going to).
Which only pisses me off mildly and for, like, 2 seconds cause if you're gonna blow me off and treat me like crap I'd at least like to be your girlfriend so that you have to buy me nice gifts to make up for blowing me off and treating me like crap.
These guys have such inflated egos that they actually think that I want something more with them than getting laid.
HA!!!
One of them used to be a really close friend of mine and we came THISCLOSE to sleeping together, but we never got around to it because he was busy pretending that he wasn't dating this one girl and whatever. As previously stated, I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.
Another one is someone I've known since high school, we happen to work next door to eachother, now he always tells me he wants to hang out but he never calls/comes over when he says he is going to. Whatevs. It's too early to tell where that one would have gone. No big loss on my end.
As I mentioned earlier, this kind of shit doesn't bother me that much--it's just that I could be getting laid by someone else rather than sitting here at home drinking a glass (or two or a bottle) by myself.
Don't be fooled. I DO end up getting laid if I so feel the desire. But I work so damn much so that after a bottle of wine I'm feeling more sleepy than horny.
And you wanna know the funniest part of this ridiculous male species behavior?
These guys actually think that THEY ARE PLAYING ME!!!!!!
OMG I think I just pissed my pants laughing.
Anyway, yeah, no one is fooling me. I realize that guys who like being single have this primal urge to prove to every woman they come in contact with that they are unattainable and un-pin-down-able, but really, do you think that I want to be pinned down with your petty ass anyway?
I really just wanted to suck you off, honey.
Guess YOU missed out.
Better luck next time.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The story about the air conditioner
When I was 17, I was a junior in high school and I had just gotten my driver's license. I could only drive automatic transmission cars and my mom had a stick. I was stupid and so were my friends. We drank a little when we could get a hold of it, but we usually just stuck to a plant of an illegal variety.
They (my family) all decided to go on vacation in July and I couldn't go because of work.
Great idea, folks. Leave a 17 year old home alone for 2 weeks.
They took my car because it was the biggest and most reliable. That left me with 2 means of transportation--a stick shift car and a GIANT work truck painted the same color as a school bus.
THIS COLOR.
I decided to take a crash course in stick-shift driving. Then the car broke. Like 2 days after I learned to drive it.
So I was forced to drive this god-awful, huge, bright, beat-up truck around town. My friends thought it was great. "Let's take a ride in the big yellow truck" and the sort. I fucking HATED driving this damn thing. There is nothing worse than having MORE attention drawn to you when you're an awkward, socially inept high schooler. Blech.
Of course my house was the hangout place those 2 weeks since my parents were out of town. We had gotten a hold of some of the afforementioned illegal plant and made a smoking device out of an empty beer can (just ask--I could teach a class on it). Then we got the great idea to actually leave the house.
I tell ya, the brillance could have put a diamond to shame.
"Let's take the big yellow truck!!!!!"
This sounds great when you're high, of course.
So we take it. I am laughing and looking in the mirrors making sure I am not backing over any of my friends, down the long skinny driveway, and I manage to get the truck OVER the garden barriers, THROUGH the garden, and INTO the air conditioning unit that sits on the side of the house.
You know what I'm talking about--that big-ass metal box that keeps your house comfy in the summer.
I HIT IT WITH A TRUCK.
I guess it's a good thing we were high, cause if we weren't, I'm positive oneof us would have had an actual heart attack right there in the driveway.
Picture 3 teenaged girls outside in the middle of July, high as hell, trying to set an air conditioning unit upright onto cinderblock mounts in a garden on the side of a house.
Those damn things are HEAVY! We got it back into place, but all of those little metal sheets that make up the outside were dented and bent and smashed--it LOOKED like it got hit with a truck.
Fast forward to 3 hours later, I get home, and the house was HOT AS HELL. I'm talking, like, 90 degrees INSIDE. That is just not going to work for a city-girl. Yeah, I'm a city-girl. Sue me.
I did the only thing I knew to do. I called mom and dad on vacation. The conversation went as follows:
Me: "So the air conditioner broke today. It's really hot in here. What should I do?"
M&D: "Well go down in the basement and unplug XYZ and restart ABC and it should work"
AND IT FUCKING WORKS! HAHAHAHAHA!
They gave me instructions based on what they do when the air just flips out sometimes. I managed to get it running again.
From that day forth, my and AC have had a special bond. No one has ever said ANYTHING about the condition of the outdoor unit. The truck is long gone. And I do not drive trucks when I'm high.
Lesson learned.
They (my family) all decided to go on vacation in July and I couldn't go because of work.
Great idea, folks. Leave a 17 year old home alone for 2 weeks.
They took my car because it was the biggest and most reliable. That left me with 2 means of transportation--a stick shift car and a GIANT work truck painted the same color as a school bus.
THIS COLOR.
I decided to take a crash course in stick-shift driving. Then the car broke. Like 2 days after I learned to drive it.
So I was forced to drive this god-awful, huge, bright, beat-up truck around town. My friends thought it was great. "Let's take a ride in the big yellow truck" and the sort. I fucking HATED driving this damn thing. There is nothing worse than having MORE attention drawn to you when you're an awkward, socially inept high schooler. Blech.
Of course my house was the hangout place those 2 weeks since my parents were out of town. We had gotten a hold of some of the afforementioned illegal plant and made a smoking device out of an empty beer can (just ask--I could teach a class on it). Then we got the great idea to actually leave the house.
I tell ya, the brillance could have put a diamond to shame.
"Let's take the big yellow truck!!!!!"
This sounds great when you're high, of course.
So we take it. I am laughing and looking in the mirrors making sure I am not backing over any of my friends, down the long skinny driveway, and I manage to get the truck OVER the garden barriers, THROUGH the garden, and INTO the air conditioning unit that sits on the side of the house.
You know what I'm talking about--that big-ass metal box that keeps your house comfy in the summer.
I HIT IT WITH A TRUCK.
I guess it's a good thing we were high, cause if we weren't, I'm positive oneof us would have had an actual heart attack right there in the driveway.
Picture 3 teenaged girls outside in the middle of July, high as hell, trying to set an air conditioning unit upright onto cinderblock mounts in a garden on the side of a house.
Those damn things are HEAVY! We got it back into place, but all of those little metal sheets that make up the outside were dented and bent and smashed--it LOOKED like it got hit with a truck.
Fast forward to 3 hours later, I get home, and the house was HOT AS HELL. I'm talking, like, 90 degrees INSIDE. That is just not going to work for a city-girl. Yeah, I'm a city-girl. Sue me.
I did the only thing I knew to do. I called mom and dad on vacation. The conversation went as follows:
Me: "So the air conditioner broke today. It's really hot in here. What should I do?"
M&D: "Well go down in the basement and unplug XYZ and restart ABC and it should work"
AND IT FUCKING WORKS! HAHAHAHAHA!
They gave me instructions based on what they do when the air just flips out sometimes. I managed to get it running again.
From that day forth, my and AC have had a special bond. No one has ever said ANYTHING about the condition of the outdoor unit. The truck is long gone. And I do not drive trucks when I'm high.
Lesson learned.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Seriously, don't lies take more effort?
May I preface this post with a disclaimer?
Too bad, I'm going to.
I don't want to have a serious relationship any time soon. EVER, I would be so bold to say.
I am not any other grown up's moral compass. It's been suggested that I barely have one of my own when it comes to men.
It is not my job to tell you that what you are about to do with me is JUST WRONG. The guys that I sleep with know that I am choosing to just sleep with them. Nothing more.
I am not asking them to marry me, date me, or even call me.
Hell, half of the time I don't remember their names by the time we get back to my house!
That being said....
Now I'm a pretty smart cookie, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty good at picking up on who's got a "girlfriend" or a "friend" or a wife, or whatever.
**I put "girlfriend" and "friend" in quotes because the definitions of those words are subjective. What some guys would call a "friend" could easily be classified as a "girlfriend" by many others.**
Anyway, I can usually tell about 5 minutes into conversation if someone's emotionally unavailable. Please keep in mind that I am particularly in the market for emotionally unavailable. It works for me.
So WHY THE LIVING FUCK do guys really think they need to keep trying (that's right boys, I said trying. You are not doing such a hot job here) to cover up their "status"??
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.
Here are some of the things I've heard/expereinced:
Kent insists on telling me he "hangs out with different people" but doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet the only time he calls me is once every couple of months--we fuck, talk about superficial crap, I leave (which is perfect for me, if anyone's taking notes). He barely even acknowledges me when we're in a sober, public, no "girlfriend" situation. Perfect. He knows this is all I want, so why the secrecy about who he's dating? I think it's actually polite of me to ask about how his girlfriend is doing.
Daniel likes to call his "girlfriend" (who goes on vacations to Vegas with him and whom he's admitted he's dated long enough to warrant a marrige proposal) a "friend" that he talks to on the weekends when she's in town from her job.
He actually got in trouble because of an innocent text I sent him on a weekend, which is apparently "off-limits" time, which I would have known about if he had been upfront with me. As of late though, he's been more honest about it.
I have had 2, count 'em, 2 men act like there's not a care in the world--except for the fact that they were scheduled to get married within, oh, 3 weeks of our first "encounter"!!!!
One even went so far as to tell me that he didn't HAVE a girlfriend (but I knew he did) and I found out from our mutual friend last week that he was getting married on Saturday!! He had JUST been at my house 2 days prior to that trying to get laid!!!!!
--That one kills me most. Seriously, if I am sleeping with you with full knowledge of your girlfriend, do you REALLY think that the fact that you're getting married is going to change anything??
Honey, please. I PITY your soon-to-be-wife. You obviously don't respect her. You'll continue sleeping with me after you marry her. Really.
Also, alot of guys feel the need to give me the old, "I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time" line.
Well, DUH. Cheating on your wife usually doesn't indicate happiness, ya think? Not my job to fix that one, dear.
Of course, I suppose that's to be expected. These guys lie to their "girlfriends" and wives, so why wouldn't they lie to me?
It IS incredibly amusing, though.
Too bad, I'm going to.
I don't want to have a serious relationship any time soon. EVER, I would be so bold to say.
I am not any other grown up's moral compass. It's been suggested that I barely have one of my own when it comes to men.
It is not my job to tell you that what you are about to do with me is JUST WRONG. The guys that I sleep with know that I am choosing to just sleep with them. Nothing more.
I am not asking them to marry me, date me, or even call me.
Hell, half of the time I don't remember their names by the time we get back to my house!
That being said....
Now I'm a pretty smart cookie, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty good at picking up on who's got a "girlfriend" or a "friend" or a wife, or whatever.
**I put "girlfriend" and "friend" in quotes because the definitions of those words are subjective. What some guys would call a "friend" could easily be classified as a "girlfriend" by many others.**
Anyway, I can usually tell about 5 minutes into conversation if someone's emotionally unavailable. Please keep in mind that I am particularly in the market for emotionally unavailable. It works for me.
So WHY THE LIVING FUCK do guys really think they need to keep trying (that's right boys, I said trying. You are not doing such a hot job here) to cover up their "status"??
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.
Here are some of the things I've heard/expereinced:
Kent insists on telling me he "hangs out with different people" but doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet the only time he calls me is once every couple of months--we fuck, talk about superficial crap, I leave (which is perfect for me, if anyone's taking notes). He barely even acknowledges me when we're in a sober, public, no "girlfriend" situation. Perfect. He knows this is all I want, so why the secrecy about who he's dating? I think it's actually polite of me to ask about how his girlfriend is doing.
Daniel likes to call his "girlfriend" (who goes on vacations to Vegas with him and whom he's admitted he's dated long enough to warrant a marrige proposal) a "friend" that he talks to on the weekends when she's in town from her job.
He actually got in trouble because of an innocent text I sent him on a weekend, which is apparently "off-limits" time, which I would have known about if he had been upfront with me. As of late though, he's been more honest about it.
I have had 2, count 'em, 2 men act like there's not a care in the world--except for the fact that they were scheduled to get married within, oh, 3 weeks of our first "encounter"!!!!
One even went so far as to tell me that he didn't HAVE a girlfriend (but I knew he did) and I found out from our mutual friend last week that he was getting married on Saturday!! He had JUST been at my house 2 days prior to that trying to get laid!!!!!
--That one kills me most. Seriously, if I am sleeping with you with full knowledge of your girlfriend, do you REALLY think that the fact that you're getting married is going to change anything??
Honey, please. I PITY your soon-to-be-wife. You obviously don't respect her. You'll continue sleeping with me after you marry her. Really.
Also, alot of guys feel the need to give me the old, "I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time" line.
Well, DUH. Cheating on your wife usually doesn't indicate happiness, ya think? Not my job to fix that one, dear.
Of course, I suppose that's to be expected. These guys lie to their "girlfriends" and wives, so why wouldn't they lie to me?
It IS incredibly amusing, though.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
I had what I will consider a victory over the "hot new guy" last night. We happened to run into eachother after my meeting was over and I looked really hot (as did he) and he asked what I was up to for the evening.
Me: "Um, going home and probably doing absolutely nothing."
Him: "Really? You look like you're ready to go out! You wanna go grab a beer?"
Well of COURSE I did!
Silly boy.
I'm not one to waste a good hair/makeup/outfit day on just going home by myself when I could just as easily go have a few drinks and seduce a hot guy!
Truth be told, I was going to go to the bar anyway with my computer and seduce some guy already at the bar, but this one just kinda fell into my lap; why make my job any harder, right??
He really is an interesting guy. He's actually MY AGE!!! A miracle! We graduated from high school the same year! He's an old soul like me, and he likes things that people our age typically don't obsess over (that's how I am, too!).
So why do I consider this a victory?
Well, because he said he's go and have 1 beer. He had already had like 3 or 4 prior to meeting me, so he had a head start. He had 2 GIANT beers.
He told me he could only stay for a little bit cause he had school work--we were at the bar until at least 1am (and we got there at 9pm).
I don't think I paid for all of my drinks.
He came home with me and I got to do naughty things to him.
I win!
Boys are so easy. :-)
Me: "Um, going home and probably doing absolutely nothing."
Him: "Really? You look like you're ready to go out! You wanna go grab a beer?"
Well of COURSE I did!
Silly boy.
I'm not one to waste a good hair/makeup/outfit day on just going home by myself when I could just as easily go have a few drinks and seduce a hot guy!
Truth be told, I was going to go to the bar anyway with my computer and seduce some guy already at the bar, but this one just kinda fell into my lap; why make my job any harder, right??
He really is an interesting guy. He's actually MY AGE!!! A miracle! We graduated from high school the same year! He's an old soul like me, and he likes things that people our age typically don't obsess over (that's how I am, too!).
So why do I consider this a victory?
Well, because he said he's go and have 1 beer. He had already had like 3 or 4 prior to meeting me, so he had a head start. He had 2 GIANT beers.
He told me he could only stay for a little bit cause he had school work--we were at the bar until at least 1am (and we got there at 9pm).
I don't think I paid for all of my drinks.
He came home with me and I got to do naughty things to him.
I win!
Boys are so easy. :-)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
The Story of the 4 Bobs*
* All names in all stories have been changed to protect the people who accompany me in my Adventures in Man Land. I would NEVER date 4 men named BOB!
I have 4 Bobs.
Bob #1---He is one of my best friends. I know I can count on him to be completely honest with me about ANYTHING and I ask his opinion frequently. I have known him for 2 years, lusted after him for the same amount of time, and only had sex with him twice. It actually took us almost a year of knowing eachother to actually come out and admit that we're attracted to eachother. Like, I called him and said,
"Would you be offended if I kissed you?"
And we ended up kissing that night. For a really long time. It was wonderful.
I digress.
I love Bob #1 with all my heart, as a friend. We're a pretty good pair, actually, most of the time. I'm sure if I had to live with him I'd want to kill him. After I got done having sex with him. ;-)
He is also married and 12 years my senior.
Bob #2---Was a great guy I was "dating" for a while.
I'm not sure if it can be classified as dating. He took me out to a really nice restaraunt ONCE, was very gentlemanly, and then expected me to come over to his house every single time I got off work and watch TV with him and eventually end up having sex with him (and I worked 8+ hour days then, got home at midnight and had to be up and functioning at 7am the next morning EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE).
Needless to say, having sex without having AT LEAST 2 glasses of wine was out of the question. It makes for a long night. I love sleep.
I deemed him "needy" and stopped answering his phone calls.
He really was a nice guy, though. I regret losing that one some days. If nothing else, he wasn't a bullshitter. He was 7 years my senior.
Bob #3---Loves my dad. He actually shared a part-time job with my dad, didn't realize it was MY dad until they both walked into MY place of employment AT THE SAME TIME to see me (creating the most awkward situation possible for me, really). Then he calls me later and proceeds to gush about what a great guy my dad is.
Turns out he really likes my dad. I'm not really the biggest fan of the guy, so we'll have to see.
I haven't slept with him yet, though. I'd be interested to see how that turns out. He claims that none of the stuff I mentioned would "freak him out" but we're both busy people and we live pretty far away from each other so it just hasn't happened. He is 9 years my senior.
Bob #4---is new. He's a regular at my place of employment and he's just REALLY NICE. His kids are beautiful, he's doing what's right by them (which is a huge turn on for me, dads doing right by their kids, even if it makes their {the dads} life more difficult), he works hard, he's smart, and he's just, well, normal....so far. He is divorced and probably at least 10 years my senior. We haven't determined his age yet.
So there you have it. There really isn't anything interesting to report on Bobs #2 and #3. I don't even speak to Bob2 anymore, and I completely blew off Bob3 to seduce "hot new guy" (which you can read all about in my post V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!) so we'll have to see where we stand when I talk to him next. My guess is that he'll get the hell over it.
I have 4 Bobs.
Bob #1---He is one of my best friends. I know I can count on him to be completely honest with me about ANYTHING and I ask his opinion frequently. I have known him for 2 years, lusted after him for the same amount of time, and only had sex with him twice. It actually took us almost a year of knowing eachother to actually come out and admit that we're attracted to eachother. Like, I called him and said,
"Would you be offended if I kissed you?"
And we ended up kissing that night. For a really long time. It was wonderful.
I digress.
I love Bob #1 with all my heart, as a friend. We're a pretty good pair, actually, most of the time. I'm sure if I had to live with him I'd want to kill him. After I got done having sex with him. ;-)
He is also married and 12 years my senior.
Bob #2---Was a great guy I was "dating" for a while.
I'm not sure if it can be classified as dating. He took me out to a really nice restaraunt ONCE, was very gentlemanly, and then expected me to come over to his house every single time I got off work and watch TV with him and eventually end up having sex with him (and I worked 8+ hour days then, got home at midnight and had to be up and functioning at 7am the next morning EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE).
Needless to say, having sex without having AT LEAST 2 glasses of wine was out of the question. It makes for a long night. I love sleep.
I deemed him "needy" and stopped answering his phone calls.
He really was a nice guy, though. I regret losing that one some days. If nothing else, he wasn't a bullshitter. He was 7 years my senior.
Bob #3---Loves my dad. He actually shared a part-time job with my dad, didn't realize it was MY dad until they both walked into MY place of employment AT THE SAME TIME to see me (creating the most awkward situation possible for me, really). Then he calls me later and proceeds to gush about what a great guy my dad is.
Turns out he really likes my dad. I'm not really the biggest fan of the guy, so we'll have to see.
I haven't slept with him yet, though. I'd be interested to see how that turns out. He claims that none of the stuff I mentioned would "freak him out" but we're both busy people and we live pretty far away from each other so it just hasn't happened. He is 9 years my senior.
Bob #4---is new. He's a regular at my place of employment and he's just REALLY NICE. His kids are beautiful, he's doing what's right by them (which is a huge turn on for me, dads doing right by their kids, even if it makes their {the dads} life more difficult), he works hard, he's smart, and he's just, well, normal....so far. He is divorced and probably at least 10 years my senior. We haven't determined his age yet.
So there you have it. There really isn't anything interesting to report on Bobs #2 and #3. I don't even speak to Bob2 anymore, and I completely blew off Bob3 to seduce "hot new guy" (which you can read all about in my post V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!) so we'll have to see where we stand when I talk to him next. My guess is that he'll get the hell over it.
More creepies
So there is this dude that comes into work often, especially on weekends. I didn't think he was weird at first (do I ever??) but then he started dropping hints that he might not be "on the level".
He would sit and try to talk to me at the drive through window--for, like, EVER. Isn't the point of the DT to be, um, quick??
Ok, that's alright though, cause he comes in late, when we're really not that busy.
So then he starts coming into the store really close to closing time--and I am REALLY busy. Like, I don't stop moving for like the last 2 hours of work. I have time to make plesant, polite conversation, but I DO NOT have time to "chat". I have even turned away my closest friends becuase I've got stuff I gotta do!!!
I had to kick him out last night because I needed to do money stuff and we got everything done early last night (props to mid-shift) so as soon as I did the money stuff we could go; doing the money stuff was of utmost importance. He had already been talking my co-worker's ear off for about a half hour BEFORE I told him I had to lock up, so I didn't feel THAT bad.
I see him sitting at a table outside while we close up. When I'm locking the door, he's gone, but I see a car, headlights glaring into my eyes, in the parking lot across the street.
Weird.
Then it drives away. It's HIM. My co-worker even notices it.
This guy waited for us to lock up in a parking lot across the street.
I worked with a man last night. I was in NO danger. There are police officers in and out of my store constantly. And this dude is old and would probably be of no help at all when/if I DO get attacked outside of my job and there happen to be no police there.
For real.
Does anyone else find that a little, um, CREEPY???
He would sit and try to talk to me at the drive through window--for, like, EVER. Isn't the point of the DT to be, um, quick??
Ok, that's alright though, cause he comes in late, when we're really not that busy.
So then he starts coming into the store really close to closing time--and I am REALLY busy. Like, I don't stop moving for like the last 2 hours of work. I have time to make plesant, polite conversation, but I DO NOT have time to "chat". I have even turned away my closest friends becuase I've got stuff I gotta do!!!
I had to kick him out last night because I needed to do money stuff and we got everything done early last night (props to mid-shift) so as soon as I did the money stuff we could go; doing the money stuff was of utmost importance. He had already been talking my co-worker's ear off for about a half hour BEFORE I told him I had to lock up, so I didn't feel THAT bad.
I see him sitting at a table outside while we close up. When I'm locking the door, he's gone, but I see a car, headlights glaring into my eyes, in the parking lot across the street.
Weird.
Then it drives away. It's HIM. My co-worker even notices it.
This guy waited for us to lock up in a parking lot across the street.
I worked with a man last night. I was in NO danger. There are police officers in and out of my store constantly. And this dude is old and would probably be of no help at all when/if I DO get attacked outside of my job and there happen to be no police there.
For real.
Does anyone else find that a little, um, CREEPY???
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