Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a fifth Bob.
Kidding?
No.
I could not make this shit up.
He called me today. I had completely forgotten about him.
Why?
Because he is an absolute bag of douche. Not the nice clean bag you begin with. The nasty, left-over, Paris Hilton-disease-infested bag of douche you get when you're done.
Here's our background (and why he has my phone number in the first place):
We met at my local hangout bar, had too many drinks while talking to eachother, and ended up going home together. I thought he had impregnated me, he dodged me for a few weeks, then mysteriously called me (at that time I knew I wasn't pregnant, but decided to play it out for a while since he was being a complete dickhead about it); then he vanished into the mist again, only to call me a few weeks later to see how I was doing.
Um, fine, I guess, asshat.
This all played out in, like, May.
Fast forward to today.
I get a local call on my way home from work and I answer it cause sometimes people call me from their work phones or whatever.
"Hey, it's Bob Whatever-the-hell-my-last-name-is. How are you?"
I was better not remembering you existed, yo.
So he proceeds to tell me about how nice he thinks I am and how we should get together and go do something nice, "start over" or some bullshit.
Absolutely. As soon as Lindsay Lohan puts down the crack pipe.
Whatever would make a guy think (giving them alot of credit here....going for a stretch) that after he tried to ditch me when I mentioned I thought I was pregnant by him I would want anything to do with him besides slicing off his pecker is beyond me.
That wasn't exactly a stellar showcase of your trustworthiness, hombre.
Hence my forgetting about his pathetic existance.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
a guy named stupid
This is about a guy we'll just call stupid. I tell this story all the time and I've actually had people tell me I should do a stand-up routine based on this story. Here we go.....
"This guy named stupid is so hillbilly.........
His mother doesn't know who his father is.
In fact, she doesn't know who his brother's father is, either.
Neither he nor his brother got any farther than junior year of high school.
His whole immediate AND extended family lives in trailors.
These trailors don't have air conditioning.
His mother's trailor is FULL of Dale Earnhardt (I don't care if I spelled that right) crap. I'm talking mugs, posters, die-cast cars, trading cards, twinkie boxes, etc.
Once, when stupid and I were visiting his parents, his cousin and her infant were there, too. His mother and her FIFTH (yes, I said FIFTH) husband proceeded to light up a bowl of an unmentionable illegal herb WHILE THE BABY WAS NAPPING IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM!
Did I mention that stupid's mother is on husband #5?
He and his brother have been in and out of jail since they were 16. They're now 30 and 28, respectively.
His brother got sent to his last stint in jail for robbing the grocery store their mom worked at at gunpoint for money for his meth habit.
Stupid's 17 year old cousin makes meth in the trailor that she shares with her "boyfriend" and their child.
His idea of fun is going carp fishing in retention ponds in apartment complexes while drinking beer, namely Budweiser.
Stupid has never had a job more serious than shift supervisor at KFC. And let's not forget that he's now 30.
Not a single person in the family has a career or anything even resembling a career. Hell, hardly any of them have anything resembling a JOB.
Stupid doesn't have a valid driver's license.
Neither does his brother.
His mom MIGHT.
Does that stop anyone from driving?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
His mom's trailor isn't in a trailor park; it's in a cluster of about 10 trailors that are just randomly thrown on the side of a road in southern (insert name of state we both happen to live in).
His mom doesn't have a phone, so she gives out the number of the woman living in the crappy trailor next to HER crappy trailor and that neighbor just yells out the kitchen window to let her know she has a phone call.
Last time I was at his mom's crappy trailor, all she had in the fridge was Budweiser, bologna, and a loaf of bread.
No one in the family has ever left the state--for anything.
EVERYONE in the family chain smokes like it's going out of style. While they're drinking their nasty beer. While they're fishing.
So now that you've got a picture of this family in your head, I have one more tidbit of hilljack-ness for you (in case you were doubting their dedication to being hilljacks):
His mom is only about 46 or 47. She is not old by any means. There is no reason for this. She has no intention of fixing this. She makes to attempt to hide this. Are you ready?
His mom has no front teeth.
"This guy named stupid is so hillbilly.........
His mother doesn't know who his father is.
In fact, she doesn't know who his brother's father is, either.
Neither he nor his brother got any farther than junior year of high school.
His whole immediate AND extended family lives in trailors.
These trailors don't have air conditioning.
His mother's trailor is FULL of Dale Earnhardt (I don't care if I spelled that right) crap. I'm talking mugs, posters, die-cast cars, trading cards, twinkie boxes, etc.
Once, when stupid and I were visiting his parents, his cousin and her infant were there, too. His mother and her FIFTH (yes, I said FIFTH) husband proceeded to light up a bowl of an unmentionable illegal herb WHILE THE BABY WAS NAPPING IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM!
Did I mention that stupid's mother is on husband #5?
He and his brother have been in and out of jail since they were 16. They're now 30 and 28, respectively.
His brother got sent to his last stint in jail for robbing the grocery store their mom worked at at gunpoint for money for his meth habit.
Stupid's 17 year old cousin makes meth in the trailor that she shares with her "boyfriend" and their child.
His idea of fun is going carp fishing in retention ponds in apartment complexes while drinking beer, namely Budweiser.
Stupid has never had a job more serious than shift supervisor at KFC. And let's not forget that he's now 30.
Not a single person in the family has a career or anything even resembling a career. Hell, hardly any of them have anything resembling a JOB.
Stupid doesn't have a valid driver's license.
Neither does his brother.
His mom MIGHT.
Does that stop anyone from driving?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
His mom's trailor isn't in a trailor park; it's in a cluster of about 10 trailors that are just randomly thrown on the side of a road in southern (insert name of state we both happen to live in).
His mom doesn't have a phone, so she gives out the number of the woman living in the crappy trailor next to HER crappy trailor and that neighbor just yells out the kitchen window to let her know she has a phone call.
Last time I was at his mom's crappy trailor, all she had in the fridge was Budweiser, bologna, and a loaf of bread.
No one in the family has ever left the state--for anything.
EVERYONE in the family chain smokes like it's going out of style. While they're drinking their nasty beer. While they're fishing.
So now that you've got a picture of this family in your head, I have one more tidbit of hilljack-ness for you (in case you were doubting their dedication to being hilljacks):
His mom is only about 46 or 47. She is not old by any means. There is no reason for this. She has no intention of fixing this. She makes to attempt to hide this. Are you ready?
His mom has no front teeth.
Oh come on now guys
You've got to have a better one up your sleeves than this, guys. Did anyone REALLY think they could fool me?? Ha! Go back to sleep and dream your delusional dreams, sweet silly men.
Let me lay this out for ya:
I know about 4 guys who insist on telling me they are going to call, telling me they are gonna come over, telling me we should hang out again sometime soon; yet in their quest to prove to themselves that they are just too cool to be pinned down by social obligations, they usually end up not calling/coming over at all (at least just not when they initially say they're going to).
Which only pisses me off mildly and for, like, 2 seconds cause if you're gonna blow me off and treat me like crap I'd at least like to be your girlfriend so that you have to buy me nice gifts to make up for blowing me off and treating me like crap.
These guys have such inflated egos that they actually think that I want something more with them than getting laid.
HA!!!
One of them used to be a really close friend of mine and we came THISCLOSE to sleeping together, but we never got around to it because he was busy pretending that he wasn't dating this one girl and whatever. As previously stated, I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.
Another one is someone I've known since high school, we happen to work next door to eachother, now he always tells me he wants to hang out but he never calls/comes over when he says he is going to. Whatevs. It's too early to tell where that one would have gone. No big loss on my end.
As I mentioned earlier, this kind of shit doesn't bother me that much--it's just that I could be getting laid by someone else rather than sitting here at home drinking a glass (or two or a bottle) by myself.
Don't be fooled. I DO end up getting laid if I so feel the desire. But I work so damn much so that after a bottle of wine I'm feeling more sleepy than horny.
And you wanna know the funniest part of this ridiculous male species behavior?
These guys actually think that THEY ARE PLAYING ME!!!!!!
OMG I think I just pissed my pants laughing.
Anyway, yeah, no one is fooling me. I realize that guys who like being single have this primal urge to prove to every woman they come in contact with that they are unattainable and un-pin-down-able, but really, do you think that I want to be pinned down with your petty ass anyway?
I really just wanted to suck you off, honey.
Guess YOU missed out.
Better luck next time.
Let me lay this out for ya:
I know about 4 guys who insist on telling me they are going to call, telling me they are gonna come over, telling me we should hang out again sometime soon; yet in their quest to prove to themselves that they are just too cool to be pinned down by social obligations, they usually end up not calling/coming over at all (at least just not when they initially say they're going to).
Which only pisses me off mildly and for, like, 2 seconds cause if you're gonna blow me off and treat me like crap I'd at least like to be your girlfriend so that you have to buy me nice gifts to make up for blowing me off and treating me like crap.
These guys have such inflated egos that they actually think that I want something more with them than getting laid.
HA!!!
One of them used to be a really close friend of mine and we came THISCLOSE to sleeping together, but we never got around to it because he was busy pretending that he wasn't dating this one girl and whatever. As previously stated, I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.
Another one is someone I've known since high school, we happen to work next door to eachother, now he always tells me he wants to hang out but he never calls/comes over when he says he is going to. Whatevs. It's too early to tell where that one would have gone. No big loss on my end.
As I mentioned earlier, this kind of shit doesn't bother me that much--it's just that I could be getting laid by someone else rather than sitting here at home drinking a glass (or two or a bottle) by myself.
Don't be fooled. I DO end up getting laid if I so feel the desire. But I work so damn much so that after a bottle of wine I'm feeling more sleepy than horny.
And you wanna know the funniest part of this ridiculous male species behavior?
These guys actually think that THEY ARE PLAYING ME!!!!!!
OMG I think I just pissed my pants laughing.
Anyway, yeah, no one is fooling me. I realize that guys who like being single have this primal urge to prove to every woman they come in contact with that they are unattainable and un-pin-down-able, but really, do you think that I want to be pinned down with your petty ass anyway?
I really just wanted to suck you off, honey.
Guess YOU missed out.
Better luck next time.
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